Sunday, January 10, 2016

Okay for now

I went into some sort of a whirlpool in 2015. I was always having problems with my period but never really went to see a doctor about it. It has always been irregular since I first got them, except when I went back to malaysia in end of 2012 and stayed for round 2 months plus when I was really really happy haha.

So after the cramps and backpain got really bad, I decided to go see a gynaecologist to see whats wrong with my vajayjay lol. And then got ultrasound done, it was really awkward because first the gynaecologist was male, second the ultrasound scanner thingy was a tube which was stucked inside my vajayjay lolll embarrasing. And then turns out I have polycystic ovary syndrome. So, got some pills prescribed to "fix" it, aka to make me have normal periods. Boy, that was the moment where if I knew what would've happened after taking those pills, man I'd never take them, I swear. I was taking these pills for almost a year, I stopped in late november.

I guess things happen for a reason, but I'm just not so eager to have things go this way. But I can't control how things go, it is life after all and i'm only a mortal human. During that period, I lost all interest in blogging, music, movies and should I just say everything in life. I don't know if it's the effect of the medicine or what, but I wasn't feeling myself at all. I got really really REALLY depressed that time and paranoid too. I was acting normal in front of friends and family, but in front of my boyfriend who was in a different country, I was hysterical. And then I lost him, he's still in my life, as a friend, but I'm not his baby anymore and it hurts. It was in august, I remember, just a few days after his birthday, we were trying to make things work, but my emotions ruined it, I was arguing and yelling because of some stupid thing that didn't even matter, and then he said he don't want to do this anymore. I was devastated, I felt like my soul had rotten to the core. But now looking back, him deciding to breakup with me was a good thing. I needed that. I needed that kick to tell me something was wrong. I think I cried every night for two months or more. Sometimes, even in the day, on the bus, I'd just cry on the bus silently. Before the breakup, I stopped taking my pills for two weeks or so because I got busy and was lazy to get new ones, and then the medicine wore off and I was normal for short while, things got better between us again that time. But then I begin to take the pills again and everything just went down hill. It's funny really, that time you know how when sometimes you are arguing you have these horrible thoughts inside your head but you wouldn't tell the other person about it or the real anger you are feeling. During that time, everything in my head was unfiltered when I say them out, I don't have any considerations, I just had rage. And I hurt the person I love over and over again.

I have a thing about the past, sometimes I just look at them over and over again, like photographs, or just rethinking about memories.

After the breakup, I started to read the secret and the magic, by rhonda byrne. Then I realised everything went absolutely bollocks because of my emotions. I keep having really deep negative emotions all the time, and of course thinking negatively for a long period of time affects you, and I made really bad decisions and was really bad at mending relationships. I was getting really good at it that time, and then few weeks before exam and up until the end of it, I was having really irregular heatbeats and chestpain whenever I go to sleep. Then one day I got really bad chest pain so I went to the gp to see what's up and she sent me to the hospital. After that, I started getting negative again and sorta went back to being really upset about everything. It was not until I had a conversation with a dear friend and a failed attempt at reconciling with the ex then I realised I almost got my self back into the emotional turmoil again.

Now I'm here again, and I know I'm okay now, and it's not pretend, I'm really okay now with everything and I can finally see the beauty in life again. It was the moment I realised this when I was listening to coldplay's till kingdom come. The song itself is really beautiful, and I hope at my wedding day in the future, I get to have this song played.

xxx Shizuen

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