Thursday, July 30, 2015

The pain of giving up my hometown

There is a hidden feeling inside me, sometimes it lingers on the edge nudging for a response, sometimes its totally undetected.

I miss home. I truly miss it so very much.

I hate having to deal with responsibilities. I hate having to deal with all the challenges I have to face to stay on in a country that is still so unfamiliar to me. I don't feel like I belong here. But ironically, even if I go home, I have to deal with even more problems.

Life is hard. I used to think life is okay. But life really is hard. It's gonna knock me down, break me down into tears. Bring me down to my lowest low. But I still cherish life. I appreciate being alive. Otherwise I would be nothing.

Sometimes I feel like a failure, but that's just plain negativity. I'm just progressing at a lower pace. But I am doing alright, I'm still okay. I have my family, friends, and my dear boyfriend who offers me nothing but love and kindness.

Like how movies show characters grow through hardships and challenges, I guess this time is my growing point. Getting beaten down to the core, and to crawl back up again to learn to be strong.

Despite all the sadness and anger, I have to admit, the good side makes it worthwhile.

I still believe, life is good. It's always been good.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Some days it seems unbearable, some days it doesn't bother you at all.
All the rotting from the inside, physically, mentally, whole exhaustion.
Consumed by emptiness, never an air of honesty.
No, not even to the ones closest to whatever.
What difference does it make?
It's not a cry for attention, there wasn't even an intention at all.
All but blank, even more and more unawareness.
What an actor, what an actor.
Fooling even the conscious.
But the subconscious remains silent.
Unwilling to speak the truth, the subconscious realises the real horror from within.
But no, not yet, not this moment, not until the gleam of light emerges again.
Until then, the emptiness shall consume.
But why? Why does it even exist?
It was always there? really?
Of course it was.

Sunday, July 12, 2015


If only it could be this easy, that I get the choice to switch it on and off whenever I want to. If only.
I'm going through a phase of storms and turbulence. Maybe if I get to switch my feelings off, I'd get stronger. But I can't. I don't even have the mood to dress up or get excited by the thought of it anymore. I'm just working as hard as I can. Last year was a case of mess that could only be comforted by coldplay's "Fix you".
When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need.When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse.And the tears coming streaming down your face. When you lose something you can't replace. Could it be worse? But if you never try you'll never know, just what you're worth.