It's 5 O'clock in the morning, our conversation got boring

I don't usually talk about relationship related stuff, not even to my best friends. I don't think any of my friends know my actual crushes in the past, if I do talk about them,either it's been too long or it's not a serious one. I know I am actually a person who likes to whine and share a lot. I usually do that in my diary. But for some reasons I can't seem to find it today, I've just finished my old diary and about to start writing in my new book, and now it's nowhere to be seen. I feel like my blog has the same personal feeling as my diary so now I am here venting on this platform.

I feel like I am consumed by feelings at times. Luckily I'm not depressed, I'm naturally an optimistic person, but I really detest it when at times I have my breakdown moments and my parents or siblings criticise me for being weak and take it as a laughing matter in the latter period. I really really detest it to the maximum. Still, I'm not holding any grudges, it's stupid if I do so anyway. I just don't like it when they laugh at those dug out moments.

And I just cannot bear it at times, even though I was oh so confident at the beginning, when my mother persistently reminds me to breakup with my boyfriend. She thinks I'm too young and my academic downpoints last year proves he's not the person for me. But that's not the point is it? He happens to be someone that I really want to be with, and he's so good to me when I'm being so unreasonable. Even I myself couldn't bear with it but he tried and he was good to me. My weakest moments last year were spent whining and word vomiting to him, and he listened. My mother at one time threatened me for a breakup or else she won't regard me as her daughter anymore. I was really upset, what I did was emotionally connect with a person as we are in different lands after all, and after a certain someone who chose to said something to her, and everything I said is an excuse. Every truth I have spoken was just an excuse. Not until last week she decided to listen. But today, judging from the expression on her face. Despite not saying anything related since my dad was beside, in my computer screen I can still feel the distrust in her. She told me to be honest to her, I did, but too bad too bad. This thing and that thing got mixed in. Even though I didn't do anything rebellious, she was still unhappy. Although I love my mother, I just can't go and let go of someone I love in a different way.

I am confused. I am not doing anything e.g. wanting to get married and leave my family, or deciding to permanently live with him from now on, but she thinks I will do that without thinking of my own future. I've told her time to time I will not give up anything I have right now, I am learning to stand on my own two feet, But I guess it will be until the time I have graduated and found a job, that's when she'll actually accept that I mean what I say. Well, actions do speak louder than words. I have spoken but my actions have not taken place yet.

I guess until then, I can actually prove to my mom I mean what I say. After all, I am actually doing well and feeling well at this moment. For the first time in my life, I actually love going to school. I know they are trying to make our life good and thus we can't do something we actually like if we can't support ourself with those things. Now that I'm able to do something I enjoy doing, this really is a good sign. I enjoy being alive and I intend to do so and enjoy for a long period of time.

La vie est belle.

Shizuen